Let It Be

Somehow, October passed in the blink of an eye, and now, it's suddenly November. Even though Halloween was technically last weekend, it feels so long ago. The weather is finally cooling, and the early sunset makes me want to curl up in bed.

I have been thinking a lot about vulnerability lately. It's something I talk about a lot with friends, dancers, and artists. I've always considered myself to be a pretty vulnerable person, but I have never really given it too much thought.

One of my values in life is transparency. I often joke that a stranger could ask me anything and I would answer. (A figure of speech of course - I know how to be safe). I'm a terrible liar. I love truth so much that I seek it in everything I do - whether dancing, writing, or being a human. 

For years, I have regarded my own emphasis on transparency as vulnerability. In some ways, I think it is a form of vulnerability for sure. I've had very deep and serious conversations in unconventional situations with unexpected people because I am not afraid to tell my own truth and ask serious questions.

This semester, I have been exploring a different kind of vulnerability, one that is extremely difficult for me. Emotional vulnerability requires a sense of being present and willingness to accept the moment that I struggle with. It is easy for me to be transparent and say, "This happened to me and it made me feel this way," but much harder for me to say, "I'm feeling this way right now."

I'm such a cerebral processor that I spend more time analyzing my emotions than feeling them (hence this blog post). On the one hand, I am not easily derailed by a bad moment or day, and I can power through just about anything. On the other hand, all my emotions tend to build up and hit me all at once because I refuse to feel them as I go along. 

Recognizing this difference between transparency and vulnerability has tripped me up for the past few months. I am trying to retain my own transparency and cerebral processing, while also allowing myself to feel my feelings, rather than thinking through them. The whole ordeal is very difficult - I'm re-patterning 22 years of emotional control.

Mostly, I'm trying to live in the moment by letting myself feel whatever emotions I may be experiencing. Time is so precious right now, and it seems to go slow and fast all at once. I'm soaking it all in.